I’ve always felt a connection to people and things that expose the raw insanity of humanity. Whether it be Hunter S. Thompson, Ernest Hemingway, Ken Kesey, J. D Salinger, Lana Del Rey or even films as corny as Silver Linings Playbook. I am attached to things that provoke the mind to think about the mind, to ponder the idea of our personal sanity, to humanize the “mentally ill.” I’ve always had an issue with the idea that by categorizing someone as having a disease of the mind, we isolate ourselves from the possibility that maybe we too are diseased inside. We quarantine those in hopes that we don’t catch “crazy,” but what exactly does sanity look like? Sometimes I question how tight my grip on reality truly is and the lines blur indefinitely.
My world is very small. That is not to say I’m am sheltered or ignorant to life outside my zip code. It is, however, to say that I haven’t had the opportunities or experiences to broaden my perspective in a way that allows me to understand my purpose. It’s like when you look in the mirror for too long and a wave of existentialism overcomes you. What am I? What makes me human? Is it the connections I have to others on this earth? Is it something more? What will fulfill the needs that my soul craves? What defines, or will define, my life and legacy as Devin Thompson? Overall, what is my intended purpose?
I tend to reject the idea of delving into these matters because it terrifies me. I not so much afraid of personal or social failure as I am of never fully understanding my purpose on this earth. I don’t know what I need to do, or who I must become, in order to satisfy my longing desire for inner peace. You know, we spend so much of our time striving for “success” in the form of monetary gains or commonly sought-after achievements that the interests of our souls are entirely ignored. As productive members of society, we are expected to follow the path of least resistance, the step-by-step guide to a decent life as it has been carved out for us in the 21st century. You’ll complete mandatory schooling, continue to higher education, pick a career that best suites your financial goals before your personal interests, pursue a married life with children and hope for the best. Can you tell me that isn’t the path your currently following, with eyes sealed shut? I’m sure some of you people will find true happiness with this method, as many do.
But it’s times when I completely reject the notion of normalcy that I feel most content. The rare moments when you feel truly connected with your soul, when your deepest and darkest desires are free to roam wild, when the mind completely surrenders to the heart. That is when I feel most at peace. It takes a great deal of courage to indulge in the crazy that resides in all of us. To take a leap of faith and follow the less traveled path is to risk the possibility of rejection.
To be quite honest I have no idea what I’m doing in college, I’d rather be experiencing whatever I must experience to understand who I am and what I can do in this world. I want to project myself into various lifestyles, to travel to new areas, to see everything and anything that I can. I want to write about these experiences until I can understand them, I want to find myself through experience and not through structure. I wish to understand myself through the lenses of others at a multitude of vantage points, looking inward on myself only after I can grasp the world I inhabit.
I hope someday I can answer the needs of my soul and create a life where I can experience them fully.
Until then,
Devin Fiona.
“I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean. And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying, because I was born to be the other woman.Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone. Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me…I am fucking crazy.But I am free.”-Lana Del Rey
Love, Devin Fiona 