I had a dream last night that I was back in Hawaii and woke up thoroughly depressed by the snow falling outside my window. I had decided in that second that today sucked because I had to work, my body is sore, and I’m not going to North Shore to sit my ass on the beach drinking one too many vodka slushes. I sat and plotted how I might be able to get back there, fantasizing about ditching the whole “life plan” thing and living a bronzed and carefree lifestyle. I thought about how much I changed as a person over there and felt like I owe so much to the people I met and the island itself. I was getting so frustrated by the fact that I had buried four of the best months of my life because thinking about them only reinforced the fleeting nature of these memories. And more than that, it reminded me that two years have gone and passed and shit got real. I’m an adult now and I’m never going to be able to undo that.
Am I doing it right? Am I making people proud? Am I going to have a good life? Will I make enough money? Do I care? What do I care about? Am I going to even be good at this?
Wait, isn’t this what I always wanted?
I’ve been reflecting a lot about my life as I’m on the brink of starting a new one. I’m starting one of my dream jobs this week and I’ve found myself mulling around in a state of uncontrollable doubt. For some reason I feel like I don’t deserve it or I’m going to be a massive disappointment and I should just accept a life of mediocrity now and save us all the pain. Basically, I’m acting like I just got drafted into some corporate battlefield and I haven’t even figured out how to match my socks yet.
Sometimes you need to throw yourself a big fat pity party to realize how dumb you sound. I worked extremely hard to get where I’m at and I’m more than capable of success. I’ve realized I’m not actually doubting my abilities because I know I’m intelligent and hardworking, I’m actually afraid of having to take the fall if it all goes down the shitter. All I ever wanted was control over my life. Now I have it and it’s a hell of a lot scarier than it seemed growing up.
Just like every family, we had our demons, some ruthless, some bearable. My biggest challenge through it all was control. I resented my life and our struggles because I couldn’t control the things that were happening to me. I couldn’t fix the economy or pay the rent or give my parents a friggen day off. I couldn’t cure their addictions. I couldn’t cure their brains or solve their problems. I couldn’t stop his hurting or help her realize her importance. These were the problems the world kept stored up high on the top shelves so us little ones couldn’t reach them. But we saw them and sat under them as they leaked out, more and more each year, until we were tall enough to see what in the world was causing such a mess. I wish I knew then what I know now. You grow up and reach for those cabinets, so eager to repair, only to find a mirror. You’re left staring right back at your own reflection, because guess what? You grew out of all that destruction and now you’ve got the responsibility of owning who is staring back at you. All you can control is the person you become, despite the things that keep falling off that top shelf and landing right into your confused little hands. Believe me, there were days when it seemed like the god damn sky was falling down right on top of us and I was sure as hell not yelling around about how excited I was for personal growth at the time. But just know that there’s a choice a person makes underneath all the rubble. It’s the most vital decision any person can make, though none of us realize it at the time. Do we stand up, dust off and rebuild again or to lay down and accept that we belong under there? We always stood up.
I’m grateful for those demons, even the ones that were downright nasty, because I love who they created. I love myself because of them. I love my siblings and who they’ve grown into because of them. I love the lessons they’ve taught and I’ve loved the strength they evoked. I love the passionate and fiercely loyal and understanding people those demons created. I love that they’ve helped me to appreciate my parents and understand their sacrifices and their troubles.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t have issues because of them. But, how I’m handling those issues is all I can control. Any personal trouble I’m facing is just another opportunity for growth. I have some pretty intense anxiety because I have this unrealistic need to control everything and to fix people that I physically can not fix. So, I get to embark on a journey that is letting go. Learning to accept my loved ones for who they are and who they can’t be is so incredibly difficult and so incredibly freeing at the same time. Through this challenge, I’ll fail, a lot. I’ll learn, a lot. And I’ll succeed as a better, calmer person. The second you stop pitying yourself, you realize the opportunity your demons are giving you to grow.
And some might think this is some post-grad crisis but I think it’s more of a personal enlightenment. I’m embracing the future because I know the Universe got me. I know I can handle the bad and the brutally ugly and I’m more than ready to welcome the good because I deserve it. I don’t know what my “good life” is yet but I know it’ll include happiness, love and the very people who fought those demons with me.
Have you ever walked on an old sidewalk, the concrete wearing decades of old scuff marks and cracks like the aging wrinkles of the people who’ve walked along them? Have you ever stumbled across a flower, somehow, someway, peaking through a crack in the concrete and flourishing above ground? It’s as if someone picked a little patch from a beautiful garden and tucked it right there in the middle some concrete slabs and that little flower said- screw it, I’ll thrive here too. Those flowers always used to captivate me.
Love, Devin Fiona 